Is being resilient a compliment?

Are you ready? What cape do you want to discard?

I use to love being called resilient, and now I don’t.

When I started my coaching training in 2020, it was a pretty intense program. I remember one of the peer-coaching sessions, I was describe as resilient over and over again. It was meant to be a compliment about my character – always rising up, finding a way, and facing challenges with successful outcome. I was strong and dependable. The person that people turned to because of my resiliency.

I didn’t view it that way. My resiliency was earned through hardships, trials, and traumas. It was necessary for survival, and then turned into an ego-fueled defense-mechanism to keep people away. My resiliency was learned through many ‘sink or swim’ moments, when I felt the most alone.

So I broke down crying to my peers, saying, “But I don’t want to be THIS resilient! I’m tired of being resilient!”.

Rather than fight-flight-freeze, loneliness, and bottoms, what if a person’s resiliency was based and formed in compassion, self-assured successes, and partnership? What if it was learned through watching people flourish, and facing life with a smile, collaboration, and positivity? What would we call it then?

That moment with my peers was a turning point for me in my personal life, and in my career. I was ready (and scared) to take steps to soften the hard that was so deep in me. For staters, I decided to replace the word resilient with ones that better suited me, like brave and courageous.

It has been hard taking off my resiliency cape, but you know what? It was getting heavy, and I continued to get tangled up in it and use it to hide.

I wouldn’t have gotten to that moment of understanding if it wasn’t for coaching. Doing hard work with people I came to trust, and who were encouraging me and holding space for me along the way.

So, next time you describe a person as resilient ask yourself, “I wonder what their resilient cape is rooted in?”. And if you’re feeling brave, ask permission and ask them for the answer. You might see the hard soften slightly.

Coaching is powerful. Being coached is profound, life-changing, and idea altering. But, that’s simply my personal experience.

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